15 Berlin Bedroom Self-Isolation Survival Guidelines

By Andrew Cottrill . March 23, 2020

They say laughter is the best medicine. It’s not, a vaccine is.

If these four walls could talk… well, they probably wouldn’t have much to say right now. That’s why we’ve put together this list of 15 survival guidelines to get us through this period of collective locked-in syndrome.

1. Chairs provide an excellent mid-point between standing and lying.

2. Balcony ashtrays are a goldmine source of tobacco.


3. The less you eat, the less toilet paper you need.

4. Make working from home easier by getting a job.

5. If neighbouring balconies begin spontaneous applause, start masturbating. It’ll give you a much needed sense of achievement.

6. Keep repeating the phrase ‘Stay the fuck home, Jason Statham’ – just to see what happens.

7. Free Advice Berlin is an excellent source of free advice, especially if you’re an idiot.

8. Emulate being back in the office by smelling cleaning chemicals, being deathly bored and muttering “fucking prick” under your breath every 10 minutes.

9. In times of need, clothes stands double as effective exercise tools.

exercise bike

10. The left side of your bedroom is excellent for reading, whereas the right side is perfect for watching Netflix. But, if you face the other direction, the left side is now perfect for Netflix and the right side excellent for reading.

11. Litre bottles of wine are easier to carry back from the supermarket than beer. Korn is easier still.


12. Breathe in really, really deeply and breathe out slowly. You’ll get a slight headrush, making that live-stream DJ set more bearable.

13. Pretend you’re in a darkroom by turning out the light.

14. Google what ‘Zoom’ is, just so you know what everyone else is talking about.

15. H-Milch drinker? Convince yourself you’re doing it for the good of society – and not because you’re uncultured.

If you’ve done all that and are still strangely unsatisfied, listen to our Berlin-artist-only Spotify playlist.


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