Aries

All-powerful Aries, you’re a monstrosity of life and rapid-fire speech. No one, not even the coked-out Australian girl you recently met at ://about blank, can keep up with how quickly you’ve been blasting through this city, tearing up as much experience as you can. You never needed a new year’s resolution. Your Berlin dreams were always YOURS for the taking.

Where To Find Love (Fleeting, but Fun–just like you like it): African Acid is the Future, January 27 at Festsaal Kreuzberg

Who Will Get In Your Way: A Gemini in Mitte who’s a bit too logical for his/her/their own good.

Taurus

This new moon is forcing you from an unlikely “comfort zone” you’ve constructed in this otherwise wild city. Break free of it! Whether that means trying out a new coffee shop (we can suggest these suckers) or stripping down to your titties at House of Red Doors, the stars all point to you making this week your bitch.

Where To Find Sex (The Good, but Scary Kind): House of Red Doors, January 26

Who’s Always Here to Help: A Virgo in Friedrichshain with enough wit and sarcasm to get you giggling, and enough logic to pull you through.

Gemini

There’s no other way to put it: the grey skies have given you the Berlin blues, and bad. This might be a good time to investigate flights to get the hell OUT of here—even just for a weekend trip to Spain.

Where to Escape the Doldrums: JapanFestival Berlin 2018, January 27

Who To Break Up With: The whiny Scorpio you met at that Neukölln brunch place last August. It’s over. You just have to say it.

Cancer

Cancer, you’re feeling accomplished lately: paying your neglected bills, actually buying U-bahn tickets instead of taking the risk, showing up on time at the Auslanderbehörde, and even not ghosting your last three Tinder dates. Keep pushing yourself. The commitment is going to pay off!

Where’s Your Lucky Break: The corner of Nogatstraße and Hermannstraße, where it will suddenly occur to you that every day is the best day of your life, if you only decide it to be.

Where To Eat A Lot Of Chocolate: Dîa de chocolate con churros! on January 27

Leo

You’ve spent the last several months hibernating, unsure of where (or who!) is next. But it’s time to act, dear Leo. Take the plunge toward the DJ career of you (and everyone else in Berlin’s!) dreams; declare your love to the one you love (even if it’s just the stranger singing David Bowie-karaoke at Monster Ronson’s!).

Who To Go Into Business With: A wild Aries on the verge of a business breakthrough–and no, it’s not yet another app.

Where To Move: As if you’d be caught anywhere outside of the deepest, hippest Neukölln.

Virgo

As usual, dear Virgo, you’ve been throwing yourself forward to protect others from their own messes–and neglecting your own self-care. Take a deep breath. Walk the Landwehrkanal S-L-O-W-L-Y, without anywhere to be. Hit up one of those goddamn German spas. Allow each day to unfold for you, and for you alone.

Where To Unwind: Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-ARt School, “BROKEN BAROQUE” 

Who You’ll Fall In Love With: An aspiring Italian guitarist, who will keep you warm till spring. (He WILL dump you for a six-foot-tall Swedish model, but you already know that, don’t you?)

Libra

Lately, you’ve been painfully organized: neglecting the fun and wild chaos of the city and focusing far too much on your startup or freelance business (which, let’s be honest, will be dead within the year). Take a step back. Tell your startup boss “FUCK OFF” to 90-hour work weeks. Throw your planner into the Spree.

Where To Feel A Strange Mix of Sensuality and Horror: A Clockwork Orange at Mobile Cinema 

Who To Fuck, Then Never Call Back: That weepy-eyed Pisces you met at Saint Georges last week.

Scorpio

Since you’re one drawn to extremes, Berlin’s gritty contrasts are perfect for you. One day, you’re sipping cocktails at a highbrow Mitte bar, the next, you’re deep-diving through trash in Neukölln, certain you’ve found buried treasure. This week, someone will demand more of you than you can give. Turn off your phone and disappear into Berghain for a few days. They’ll get the hint.

Who Will Never Be Good Enough For You: A Taurus who thinks Prenzlauer Berg is “coming back.”

Sagittarius

After a year of less-than-appropriate, and occasionally all-out horrid decisions (come on, you remember them), you know it’s time to get back on track. Suddenly, you’re ambitious–in ways that aren’t coke-fueled. Ride out this natural “high.” Berlin summer will come in, hot and wild again. But now is the time to unlock your potential.

Where To Feel Like You’re Better Than Everyone: Nosferatu with Live Symphonic Soundscape

Capricorn

Capricorn, what are YOU doing in Berlin? You’re far more serious about your artistic career than these other asshats, who spend their time writing glib poetry between acid trips. Make sure they don’t tempt you into that wild-sounding night, and keep grinding. That big break? It’s coming to you this year.

Where To Learn How To Become A Millionaire: Blockchained Your Life: The TechnoPolitics of Cryptocurrencies

Aquarius

The past few weeks have been a swirling mess of sadness and joy and ecstatic emotion. Although you’re always up for social encounters and meeting new people, your upcoming birthday will bring a heightened surge to do this. You don’t have to spend it at Tropical Island all by your lonesome. The city is ready to give back to you. Welcome it with open arms.

Where To Brag You’ve Found The Next Indie-Pop Sensation: Canadian Indie Poppers Peach Pit @ Private Club

Who Wants You, Chaos And All: That devious Leo who’s been playing cat-and-mouse with you every time you run into them at Sisyphus.

Pisces

Dear Pisces, my favorite Zodiac of all, yours is a poetic, bright and brimming mind. You’re homesick a bit this week (be it for your country, or just another time) and pining for another life, one you can’t get back. Listen to a nostalgic song. Let yourself cry. It’s January in Berlin, for god’s sake. I haven’t seen a smile in weeks. You’re allowed.

Where To Buy Books Other People Don’t Want: The Book Sale at Shakespeare and Sons

Whose Hand To Hold: Your own.

Good luck out there, dear Berliners of the Zodiac! Fight the good fight.