Hello? Are you still out there? We’re peeking our heads out from our shaded nooks and crannies and hunting to see who else is still alive. Here’s how we managed (and will continue–see you again, 30s, next week!) to survive the Berlin heatwave of 2018.
Ending all friendships with people in top-floor apartments.
This week, I moved into an attic apartment, and only two or three friends have come up to see my digs. I don’t blame them. To them, I’m dead, a rotting corpse beneath the sun, while they breathe better down below.
Running into any nearby air-conditioned grocery store, just in case you need something.
So what if you got all your Lidl groceries yesterday? Maybe you’ll need to stock up on kleenex to weep into after your big break-up (see below). I, for one, have been a mainstay in grocery store fridge or freezer aisles, sweating through my t-shirts and weighing various vegan cheese options before buying pretty much nothing. Better than going outside.
Breaking up with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or clingy sex-partner.
Just because, Jesus Christ, who wants to invite another sweating, snuggling, source of heat between their bed sheets? Get rid of them fast.
Chomping frozen cocktails on the U-Bahn.
We first discovered Berlin frozen cocktail-popsicle firm Skadi at a music festival and now we’re hooked. As our fellow U- and S-bahners were fanning themselves down with paper fans and avoiding eye- (and nose-) contact with their fellow travellers, we were living in the year 3000 with frozen Sex on the Beach and Moscow Mule ice lollies.
Buying that 500 euro fan from that Sell Your Stuff Berlin asshole on Facebook.
Someone had the nerve to sell a fan for 500 euro on the Sell Your Stuff Berlin Facebook group. An even bigger idiot bought it. This is the end times.
Hunting down air-conditioned refuges with Kalte Karte.
Kalte Karte shows you places in Berlin with air conditioning. Yes, they exist.
Cutting whining children in line at eis-shops to lick yourself through a kugel or seven.
I did some research and found out that Berlin is indeed self branded as a “ice cream paradise”. There’s something like 600 ice cream shops in the cIty. The article went on to feature Hokey Pokey – they supply “a lot” of ice cream to Angela Merkel’s office. The place was so popular before that lines would wrap into neighbouring restaurants who complained. The ice cream shop owner decided he would jack up the ice cream prices to reduce interest. Instead it had the opposite effect. . Seen here is “marzipan with Riesling and citrus” and “Indian mango”. Sehr lecker 😋!! . . #eis #berlineis #berlinicecream #berlinliebe #berlinfood #icecream #icecreamcone #happiness #eispatisserie
Germany is the land of eis and more eis. It’s a religion. Lick it up. Marry it. At only a euro a kugel, who can afford not to dive into each eis-shoppery city-wide?
Complaining endlessly like the weather is all we’ve ever known to talk about.
Sports? Crochet? Pizza Hut pizza’s gooey stuffed crust? All our old conversations died with this onslaught of summer weather. All we could say is, “Damn. It’s fucking hot.” And then, we said it again.
Reminding ourselves that winter is always just around the corner.
Remember that grey slab of terror over our heads for seven to eight months every year? Yeah, it’s coming back for us. It’s going to take our names and our smiles and our beer gardens. And this heat will be nothing but a memory.