‘GreenGurus’ All-Veggie Delivery to Roast, Sizzle, or Do Almost Whatever Else to the Unhealthy Competition
By Allison Krupp . November 2, 2016
Die-hard health-nuts, beware: Berlin’s a minefield of meter-tall pints, sizzling 4 a.m. falafel sammies, and terrorizing gym memberships that (rumor has it) latch onto your bank information and never let go (like you would have used it anyway). But you don’t have to lose your edge.
I know you have doubts, Thomas. After all: GreenGurus‘ fresh, environmentally-friendly, health-conscious, and TASTY meals, delivered directly to your door in under 30 minutes, seem about as likely in Berlin as me stopping on the fourth Glühwein when I haven’t made any life-altering mistakes yet. So, I tried it out.
Scoffing at the GreenGurus business plan, advertising just this, I ordered the Date & Cacao Nib Cup, along with the BBQ Tofu sandwich. My friendly editor’s passion for liquid electrolytes brought on a quick click for coconut water—a far cry from Deliveroo’s normal offering of a skunky bottle of Beck’s. Other offers included things like Brussels Sprouts & Quinoa Bowl, or Quinoa Kurkuma Bowl, or other bowls stuffed with complexly-spelled ingredients that actually grow in the ground and aren’t tossed in a barrel of grease before dying a crunched death as your eyes glaze over Westworld.
GreenGurus, a name that churned such phrases from our writing team as “Much a Guru about Nothing” or “Operator, Patch Me Thru 2 Tofu,” or just “Yes, Ve-Can,” entered this world in January 2016, with 20 marketing “gurus,” 70 drivers offering CO2 neutral delivery (using “flying fridges”, electric scooters which can deliver up to 100 products without the need to return to GreenGurus HQ), a kitchen in Berlin, sustainable and seasonal recipes, no added sugars, and an average of 14 minutes for delivery time. They’re the spiritual leaders of a movement, involving you remaining horizontal, whilst still shoveling soul-affirming greens down your gob hole. Why exercise, when you can Quinoa?
Generally, I feel like a garbage person after ordering delivery. I stuff pizza boxes and grease-laden bags to the bottom of the garbage and pray to my waistline for forgiveness, amen. But GreenGurus, which is neatly packaged in compostable packaging, you hippies, negates all fear of failure.
The date and cacao nib cup was my “dessert,” so, since I was born a chunky Midwestern American with maple syrup pulsing through my veins, I stuck a zealous fork into that first. The “goop,” which was hearty oats, almond milk, and chia seeds, was warm, smooth, highlighted with the tart sweetness of the dates and the even balance of the cacao (which I necessarily read as “CA-COW!” to really spice up this article).
The tofu sandwich came on a Ciabatta bun, with red sauerkraut and a tart, sweet BBQ sauce. The sandwich was good-sized, lending caloric heft, despite its vegan nature. Sandwich-biting got a bit harried, with BBQ slipping and sliding. But with sauce crusting over my face, the spirit of Halloween empowered me. I gave a zombie thrust to the coconut water, gifting it to ye editor in chief, who affirmed it was definitely liquid, and definitely healthier and more soul-affirming than anything he’d had in the previous 12 months. Great!
If you’re looking for environmentally-friendly, tasty, and vegan food, delivered directly to your door in 30 minutes or less so you can remain on speaking terms with your skinny jeans, and stop hating yourself for your constant inhalation of French fries, look no further than GreenGurus. The Berliner gods are watching over all of us, and they’ve delivered.
As we all should start saying with only a moderate amount of sarcasm: “Yes, Ve-can!”
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