Dating in Berlin is a minefield—we’re a collection of super-horny, drunken, and wide-eyed wannabe-artsy-individuals who regard freedom as the perpetual theme of our lives and therefore utilize sex and romance as kind of “filler” around our bigger “life quests,” I guess–or validation that we’re worthy enough to go on. Actually, I don’t know. It’s kind of nice to have someone to bone frequently—and Berlin can be a kind of candy bag for that, too. 

Anyway, we collected a list of 10 hilarious and dark and strange Berlin dating stories from our readers and friends. Happy Valentine’s Day!

1. When he’s into weird shit.

“A friend of a friend went on a date with a guy who made her some steak. Apparently, he doctored it with something, because she got crazy sick and ran to the toilet and barfed everywhere. Then, he barreled into the bathroom jacking off.” — René, 30

2. When it’s up to him to teach you something.

“I met a handsome hippy-guy at the supermarket, and he asked me out. I was seeing someone and said no. After we split up, I ran into the hippy-guy again at Tempelhofer Feld. I messaged him on FB to say I saw him, and then he went on this big tirade about not liking people who are too awkward to talk to other people face-to-face but are stuck to screens and obsessed with social media. I was like… you literally don’t even know me. He then went on to lecture me about not being able to effectively communicate in the real world and that I had a ‘monkey’ brain’ (Buddhist term, apparently). I told him he was an arrogant prick. Then he kept saying stuff like, ‘I’m just trying to help you build yourself,” and “I understand if you don’t want to meet me for a drink now, because this kind of stuff is hard to hear.’ After I called him a prick, he deleted me on FB.” — Zoey, 24

3. When she’s planning for your future.

“On a first date with a German woman, she asked me which of us would carry the baby.” — Cleo, 29

4. When he’s got ghosts.

“I wanted to distract myself from someone else, so I met up with this guy from OkCupid. We obviously got drunk and I convinced myself to go home with him. During sex, he broke down and told me he couldn’t keep going because his ex-girlfriend had recently killed herself. I grabbed my clothes and ran the fuck out, but when I got home at 3:30 a.m., I realized I’d forgotten my keys. Bad night all around.” — Tatiana, 27

5. When going Dutch goes too far.

“A friend met up with a German guy for drinks. They hit it off, drank loads. Talked. Whatever. The guy paid for everything, and she thought he was this really chivalrous person. Then, the next day, the guy actually sent her an invoice for her half of the bill.” — Quinn, 28

6. When you’ve wasted a lot of goddamn time.

“I was dating someone for four months, had walked him through some trauma with his mom, met his friends, gone down on him for literally hours — and then, he asked what my last name was.” — Barbara, 26

7. When he doesn’t have a clue.

“I met this much older guy at the Auslanderbehörde (what a romantic place, right?) and he asked to hang out because he was new here. I said sure, I guess because you have to when you’re at the immigration office. We had the most awkward date, which ended with him actually buying those bouquet of flowers people sell in bars. Top-level romance.” — Eva, 31

8. When you’re his escape.

“A friend I knew was dating someone for over a year before she found out he had a wife and kids up in Prenzlauer Berg and just took Saturdays and Sundays off from ‘being a dad’ to live out his party fantasies with her.” — Ursula, 34

9. When you can’t take the first step.

“I matched with a guy 2.5 years ago on Tinder. Since then, we’ve talked on OKCupid, Instagram, Facebook, and Whatsapp, and we still haven’t met. We even had this long conversation about his loneliness on Christmas. He’s become my pen pal. Is this horrible? I don’t know. He seems hot, though. An always-idea.” — Georgia, 37

10. When he’s not over his ex.

“I met spontaneously with this guy on a beautiful summer evening. I thought he would be quirky and fun, but 80% of the time, he talked about how much he still loved his ex and even asked me how he could get her back. I asked him why he even bothered meeting me at all, and he said he was collecting opinions from other women about how to get her back. He didn’t get why I was having a bad time, and then he suddenly kissed me. Then, I got up to leave, and he said that he couldn’t really deal with women who wanted all of his attention and time, anyway. He was talking about me.” — Sophia, 25

Have a better story? Want to rant about it? Tell us in the comments or email us about it! We LOVE trauma! Throw it our way.